Six More Things About Me - WhiteCoat Kids Edition
Posted by WhiteCoat on May 14, 2008
I got tagged by Tex a while back and I’m running out of things to divulge, so here’s a feeble attempt using our WhiteCoat parenting skills.
1. WhiteCoat children don’t lie. We initially started washing their mouths out with soap when they lied. After one WhiteCoat daughter blew bubbles out of her mouth and laughed at her mom one day after getting the soap, we switched to Tobasco sauce. When their mouth gets swabbed with hot sauce, they usually stand in the bathroom with their mouths under the running water for 5-10 minutes. Yes, I have pictures of it, too. The bottle sits atop the fridge as a reminder. When they tell you something then look at the fridge, they’ve been busted already.
2. WhiteCoat children always listen. We don’t raise our voices much. If Mrs. WhiteCoat or I have to say something more than once, one of us stands up, walks over to them, holds onto the tip of their ear, and speaks calmly. Now if the kids see us stand up after telling them something, they reflexively hold their hands over their ears and ask us what we said. “What!?! WHAT!?!?!”
3. WhiteCoat children always make their beds. The standing rule is that if the beds aren’t made, the kids don’t get the privilege of sleeping with covers any longer. The first two kids had the experience of getting off the bus to see a garbage bag with their pillows, comforters and stuffed animals sitting on the driveway. They were left with a pillow and a mattress pad. Big arguments followed and, of course, Mrs. WhiteCoat let them “sneak” the stuff back into their rooms before they went to sleep. We haven’t had any problems since.
4. WhiteCoat children always sit down at the dinner table to eat. There was a time when the kids used to eat a few bites of food, run around, sit back down, get up and change the TV channel, sit back down, get back up, and dinner never gets eaten. Now if someone gets up from the table without permission they have to stand while eating the rest of their meal. They don’t like that one much.
5. WhiteCoat children always finish their dinner. If they won’t eat something, it goes in the refrigerator and becomes breakfast. We let each kid pick five things they don’t like and they don’t have to eat those things. Everything else will eventually be eaten.
6. WhiteCoat children always say “please” and “thank you.” If not, whatever was given to them is returned. We started them out before they could say the words by making them make the “P” sound for “please” and saying “Ma Ma” or “Da Da” for thank you. It’s refreshing to see the looks my 2 year old gets for thanking people when they give her something.
OK, OK. Maybe things don’t go quite as smoothly as these six things make it seem. Yes we raise our voices once in a while. Perhaps the kids don’t always make their beds (until they see me going for the garbage bags). But from a biased opinion, I’d say our kids are turning out pretty good … so far.
No reciprocal tags. Play along if you want.
P.S. Don’t tag me any more. The rest of my life is boring and I don’t have that many readers to begin with.
UPDATE: May 15, 2008
Just a hunch, but I’m betting that this kid in ER Nursey’s ED didn’t say please or thank you, either.
May 14, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I am a fairly new reader, but I have to comment on your post, Bravo!!! It’s nice to see that there are parents out there who actually care about their kids and how they turn out in life. The sad part is I actually have to tell you congrats when that should be common occurrence. Maybe one day.
May 14, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I don’t know. It feels to me as if there’s a lot of coercion and rule by fear based on the methods. I wonder how that will pan out when they hit adolescence? I found it interesting that when the soap didn’t work, the ante was upped instead of methods being reassessed. Does the hot sauce inhibit lying through fear instead of fostering an inner moral compass?
Have you ever heard of Gentle Discipline? I’ve been reading about it for a while and find it quite interesting. Here’s one link if you’re interested:http://www.fresnofamily.com/ap/gentle.htm.
I vividly remember my parents using some of the techniques above and they didn’t work and led to a lot of distrust. I’ve been looking for something different.
M
I perused the site you posted and I didn’t think that it was that different from what we’re doing now. Standing at dinner is logically related to a failure to sit down. Returning a gift is logically related to a failure to thank someone for it. As for the hot sauce - give me another way to rationally relate some consequence to the plethora of possibilities that can come from lying. We don’t believe in hitting the kids.
In terms of distrust, I haven’t seen it yet. It’s not like we sit there a laColonel Klink and think of devious ways to torture the kids. I think our kids are comfortable in that they know there are boundaries and that if they go beyond those boundaries there will be consequences for their actions.
May 14, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I like these ideas! Thank you for sharing. When BG/BB (hehe, 10 weeks until we find out which) grows up Future PT and I will probably take a page out of your book and use some of these techniques.
By the way I tagged you for…just kidding.
May 14, 2008 at 4:19 pm
1. I recommend jabbing their tongues with a hot piece of broken Pyrex. You can easily adjust the heat, as well as the depth and duration of penetration, based on the severity of the lie. It also saves on the Tobasco budget (which actually should be going on the genitals when they touch themselves in the no-no area anyway.)
2. This may work for you, but later on they will get used to it, and you may want to move up to snipping off little bits of the earlobe with poultry shears. Ignore the tears, they’re just trying to soften you up. Give em something to really cry about if they don’t shut up.
3. This is nonsensical coddling at its finest. There’s no reason for any child, regardless of behavior, to have a bed, blanket, or pillows of any kind until they are old enough to get a job and buy their own. Age 8 or 9, for example.
4. & 5. God knows our kids today aren’t getting enough to eat. I’ve never seen such a malnourished bunch as our current crop of anklebiters. If I were you, I’d use a pestle to jam them full until the previous meal is extruding out the other end.
6. You might also try teaching them to say, “No officer, I got those from falling down.” I can’t tell you how much peace that simple phrase has brought to my household.
Sshhhhh. Don’t tell anyone …
Actually when the kids are really bad, we strap them to an ironing board and use these nasal rinse thingees to water board them. We kept it hush-hush after the whole torture thing came out in the news, but are hoping it blows over soon.
I have to tell you, though. You had both my wife and me cracking up this morning. This was funny stuff!
I’m interested in your suggestions for a more *humane* form of discipline.
May 14, 2008 at 5:43 pm
First of all, I’m a college student and rarely make my bed. Well, I just smooth out the covers just b/c I’m a neat freak and so is my roomie. Why? I always wanted to know what the point of making one’s bed is when it’s gonna get messed up again at night anyway.
You got some tough rules, man, can’t imagine being over at your house! But they seem to enforce some important stuff so that’s a good thing.
The whole Oscar Madison lifestyle just didn’t suit us - not that we’re Felix Unger types, either. Somewhere in the middle.
May 14, 2008 at 7:40 pm
LOL you must be part German; those rules sound suspiciously like the ones my (German) mother made up during my youth. Of course, she added in the point system (a punishment system by which doing chores worked off points–nothing like sweating under the Texas sun mowing a 2 acre lawn just to earn 1 point! that is, until you get heat stroke), made me move out of my room and sleep on the floor (that one didn’t really work because I thought sleeping on the floor was the coolest thing ever), and a whole bunch of other stuff.
I think I drove my mom nuts growing up. But then, her restrictiveness and “you COULD hurt yourself doing that” drove me nuts growing up. Maybe that’s why I was a tomboy and a daredevil–just to prove I wasn’t made of glass…
May 14, 2008 at 10:04 pm
It’s always refreshing to meet a parent who makes their child behave. Too many parent’s let their children run things with terrible results. We are raising a nation of brats fully equipped with a massive sense of entitlement. Good on you.
And as for gentle discipline, that is another way of saying I have no control over my children and my life is hell.
May 14, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Your kids do sound well behaved and really…it should be the norm and sadly isn’t these days.
It takes love, work and effort to disciple a child. No doubt some kids are tougher than others. Honestly…our sons were so easy. I do admit to spanking older son when he was little but learned better ways to handle it by the time 2nd son came along. I was spanked and so continued the cycle. I realize I could’ve handled it better. Now I guess they call DYFUS over that. Still…I made it clear to them that if they went near the front road, the pond in the back or left the yard without us knowing it…they would get a spanking.
And any time they got any kind of discipline it was always calmly discussed while sitting down, usually in their room and then they would have the consequences. And if I made a mistake…I always went to them to say I was sorry and asked them to forgive me. I think this built trust into them and showed them that I could be fair. We always ended with a hug and my telling them I loved them.
As for lying…I praised them for being truthful and let them know that they would be in far worse trouble if I found out they are lying.
One day my sons and I came home to see 2 young neighborhood kids coming out of our empty house. I don’t know why I didn’t lock it. We were all on the sidewalk in front of our house and I asked them if they were in the house. They both said no. I then made direct eye contact and kindly but assertively let them know that I would respect them for telling me the truth and if they did lie the consequences would be worse than if they had been honest. The boy immediately fessed up and then the girl did. I didn’t yell. I told them why they shouldn’t have gone in the house and I thanked them for their honesty. And then I hugged them.
I know…some people probably think that I am a pushover but I am not. I would not put up with bad behavior-ever. Also, as the kids got older..many of them would come to me to talk, I guess because I established a relationship and trust with them. That boy a couple of years later (he was 11) just came walking into our bedroom one day when I was folding clothes and started talking about how sad he was because of his parent’s divorce and I did my best to comfort and encourage him.
May 15, 2008 at 12:02 am
P.S. I will pick up the tag and do it in the near future. I like memes. I don’t always get to them but do like them.
May 15, 2008 at 1:05 am
I think people need to tag you more often - I for one like to read about your so called boring life.
May 15, 2008 at 6:41 am
Behavior modification through physical discomfort… Lab rat tested, mother approved.
OK, so I have to ask - what’s the alternative?
If discipline does not involve physical discomfort, then it must involve “mental” discomfort.
So it is OK to upset kids by taking away their toys or keeping them from watching TV, but it’s not OK to hold onto their ear when you are talking to them?
Perhaps it’s better to just let the kids run around and do what they want. Don’t finish your dinner and just eat all the ice cream you want. Then you can get on Oprah’s show 10 years from now and blame your parents when you look like this guy.
May 15, 2008 at 7:57 am
Skye…I totally agree with you and think WhiteCoat is totally memeable and should keep coming out to play.
May 15, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I think when it comes to honesty…you get them in a dialog about trust…how precious it is…but once broken…not easy to get back …has to be earned. The importance of honor and what a good name and reputation means. If something goes wrong and they are wrongfully accused…do they want to live the kind of life that if accused, people will believe they are truthful, stand up and defend them because of their good character or be the person who people mistrust because they’ve proven they lie and can’t be trusted? I know this might not be anyone’s cup of tea but there is a scripture that says something like …if God can’t trust you in the little things, then he won’t be able to trust you in the big things.
Every lie erodes trust.
I realize you are talking about young children but you can start saying these things when they are little because the message is going in even if they don’t seem to understand it. I used to find videos and books that dealt with truth, good manners and other childhood behaviors and then ALWAYS discuss it afterward and get them involved in the dialog, get them thinking-ask for their opinions. Praise them when they get it. Let them know how insightful, etc. they are to have figured out the right thing to do because not everyone understands. Tell them that as they get older their friends or others may look to them as the example for good behavior and they might be the one who influences that person to do the right thing. I also talked about the fact that God loves us so much that he wants us to do whats right so we don’t get hurt or hurt others and that we feel the same way as their parents.
And when they have done wrong…take them aside, they know the rules…ask them what they think should be done, how could it have been done better? Of course above all they have to listen to your final word but if they suggest a discipline that is doable go with it and it shows you are considering them but there are consequences.
In our house…we don’t have to be right…but we do have to do the right thing and that is why I worked with the boys when they disagreed.
I know a family where all four of them have to be right, don’t back down they’re competitive they throw it up in each other’s faces and there is such poor, angry communication. Sad.
Also let them know your love is constant and unconditional. You can also tell them that you know they love you and would not want to hurt you or someone else but when they do this you feel hurt. There are so many angles but I think communication is key.
I know our sons haven’t always made the best choices and I am sure there I things I don’t know. Shoot…”I” still do things wrong when I know better. It’s a lifetime learning process and we’re all so human. But these values…if lived out as an example by the parents and with constant guidance throughout there time at home…will seep into their core being and even if they stray…will eventually come back to it.
Above all…everything should be taught with love behind it…not harshness or in a punitive way because that creates barriers in communication, trust and respect and can harden one’s spirit.
Also never tell the child they are bad…but let them know you love them but their behavior at the moment is bad. If a child is labeled as bad or some other negative label…they figure what is the use and they let that negative labeling define them.
I am sorry this is so long and please delete this if not appropriate. This is for anyone reading it and a reminder for me since I have a little 6 year old granddaughter now.
I am not comfortable with the soap or Tobasco sauce and I hate that I ever spanked and thank God it wasn’t much. I have made mistakes and there are things I still feel guilty about and things I definitely could have done better.
My mother either spanked me or said “because I said so”. I tried real hard not to say because I said so but it did slip out in final exasperation when older son was a teenager. And I think I said this here a while back but when they were teenagers when they had to obey even though they didn’t like it, they would get mad and then I would say “The only thing I am guilty of is loving you!” They knew it was true and would go off in a huff. And sometimes they would parrot me before I got a chance to say it.
I love that you don’t yell. I have…not often but I have lost it and would like to think it was hormonal. I always came back to say I was sorry. One day when my younger son was about 5 he said…”Mommy…when you yell at me I feel sad.”
I went right in and hugged him and let him know I was sorry and that parents make mistakes too. I didn’t do it a lot.
I agree that boundaries are important. A teenager will definitely buck the boundaries at some point but deep down boundaries also help them to feel safe and loved even if they don’t know it or won’t admit it.
Being a parent is a 24/7 lifetime commitment, but so worth it.
Also…our boys were easy, some children are more feisty and every family has different dynamics and has to do what works for them.
Sometimes…it seems people don’t live by a good moral code or teach it to their children. The golden rule and all that. And people expect things to be handed to them instead of through a good work ethic. And the lawsuit mentality…and …
May 15, 2008 at 4:08 pm
I don’t know about the physical discomfort thing… I don’t have any kids myself, so I can only talk about how I was brought up. First: in my country it’s illegal to hit your kids (since 1979), and moreover it’s seen as taboo. I personally believe in leading by example as a superior method of child rearing. My memories of my childhood are, of course, limited - but as far as I can remember this is how it went down.
1)I never lied, since my parents never lied to me, or anyone else for that matter.
2)I always listened, but then again, my parents always listened to what I had to say - and if we didn’t agree on something they argued their point (although not always to my satisfaction, that must be said. That they respected me enough to tell me why something had to be a certain way was usually enough for me, at least when I compared it to the “because I say so” alternative).
3)I always made my bed, because they asked me to. Granted, they frequently had to remind me…
4)I always sat down to eat. Why would I not? Dinner time was one of the only times we had together as a family, and they asked me and my sis not to rush it.
5)There is only one thing I won’t eat (fish balls), and my dad can’t stand that either so it’s alright. Anything I or my sister didn’t like, they made us at least taste every time it was served; and that actually works - you remember learning to like coffee or beer, or whiskey? No coercion, just a request that we taste it. Reasonable enough, right?
6)I’ve always been polite. Seeing my parents disappointed with me whenever I was not was enough of a deterrent, I guess. Also, it clearly is the more effective way of having others be nice to you.
I frequently read on (American?) blogs about how physically disciplining you children is the natural way to raise them, be it by hitting them or by other means. I don’t know anyone in my age (late twenty-something) or younger that have been raised that way, and all my friends are polite, clean, honest and hard-working people (well, maybe not all of them hard-working, but most).
Yes. If I know that my parents care about what I think and feel, then I care about how they think and feel, too. Again, knowing that I might disappoint them/make them unhappy in some way is still a strong deterrent for “bad” behaviour.
While I agree that there has to be boundaries, I feel there are better ways of reinforcing them than the threat of physical punishment.
Oh and I have to add, this is just based on my subjective knowledge of the matter. Maybe me and my friends have had abnormal upbringings. But the fact of the matter is, we don’t seem to be worse off because of it.
p.s. Sorry if I come off as polemic. d.s.
p.p.s. I tried to use tags here, for the first time. So if it all looks really strange, it’s probably because of that. d.d.s.
Even if you did come off as polemic, that’s why I post things like this - to foster a rational discussion. Argue away.
I don’t disagree with anything you have said.
The problem is what to do when your children don’t act as you expect. You may not have lied as a child, but prospectively what would you do if your kids did lie? Forget about it? Spank them? Ground them? Lie back to them? All of our kids are 10 and under, so the oldest one is just getting to the point where we can reason with her to show her what lying can do. What do we do with the younger ones who have not yet developed abstract thought?
We do exactly what your parents did with dinner. We don’t load the kids plates up with sauerkraut and brussel sprouts and then say “finish it,” but we do put a small portion of everything the family is eating on each plate and expect everyone to eat that small portion.
We’ve gone the “disappointment” route with our oldest daughter and it works for a short time, but there is not a long-term change. On one hand you can say you’re disappointed, but on the other hand, you can’t withhold your love to try to emphasize your point.
May 15, 2008 at 4:22 pm
DocBot- I LOVE what you said!
I think sometimes we hurt the ones we are closest too because we feel safe to let our hair down around them but we also need to remember that we love each other and when you love someone…it hurts to know you have hurt them.
Communication, communication and lot’s of love and mutual respect.
May 15, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I can only applaud you. Your technique appears a lot like the one my parents used on my siblings and me, so I think I can answer DementedM’s question: “I wonder how that will pan out when they hit adolescence?”
When they hit adolescence, they will know right from wrong, they will be well adjusted, knowing exactly where they stand in the grand scheme of things. They will not do drugs, will have a good work ethic and probably start some Pre-AP classes in Junior High. They will not expect anything for free and will not even try to whine to their parents, knowing full well, it will fall on deaf ears. Sure,at times, they will try the usual “But Andrew’s mother lets him…” and by the time they get to college, they will realize that their parents did a great job, just by looking back at the peers from HS -those whi had friends instead of parents - that did not turn out so well.
Again, good job!
May 15, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I never understood the emphasis on “cleaning your plate.” Some kids have small appetites and pushing them to eat everything just creates unhealthy attitudes about food. I understand a “no flexibility” rule — you eat it or you don’t, no special requests — but why the “finish it all” rule?
I was unclear in the initial post. We will put small portions of everything on the kids’ plates and expect them to finish everything. If they want more of something they can have it after their plates are clean. We don’t load up their plates and do the “Play Doh Factory” routine as Bob suggested.
Just want them to try things besides mac&cheese and PB&J.
May 15, 2008 at 9:01 pm
T- I agree with that too. I remember hearing that I should finish everything on my plate because there were starving children in China or someplace. And if you have an adult who gives portions too large for a child…
So much better to stop before or when you are full.
One night I had to sit at the table until I ate all my peas. I say there for a long time or so it seemed. And why couldn’t I just eat some peas?
I agree with WC that just taste it because you might like it. Another way to get around a fussy child is to say ok…your not hungry (when you know they hardly ate)you don’t have to eat that and we’ll see you again for breakfast. No snacks whatsoever because they didn’t eat dinner. That worked for us.
I ‘ll just share this and then stop commenting here. Sorry I left so many comments…you’re all just so interesting. Ha! and something I can actually contribute about.
This past winter I made my version of a Hungarian goulash. Our 6 year old granddaughter was staying over night. I asked her if she wanted to taste a little of it while it was still simmering. I lifted the lid to show her and when she saw it she looked repulsed.
I said Devan…I think you will really like this and you should give it a try. She said,”Yes Mum Mum, but do you and I have the same taste buds?”
She had me there.
May 15, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Doc,
When I was a kid, rule #1 at the table: All that has been cooked and served, must be had (exceptions of course being things you’re allergic to). At the bare minimum, at least one serving of all items on the table. Certainly welcome to have more servings of any item. Heaven help you if you uttered the words “I don’t like that” - instead of struggling through that one serving, you’d be given 2 or more. Best to shut up and swallow. As cruel as it sounds, thanks to that today I can eat almost anything. Not a picky eater at all.
Rule #2: Clean your plate - don’t waste any food! My mother once caught my brother tossing some food into the trash can. She made him pick that up and eat it! We kids never ever tossed so much as a grain of rice after that… it also meant we were conscious of portion size. We never let our eyes get bigger than our stomachs.
My Father was a stickler for discipline - he believed that if an individual is disciplined, everything else in life comes by on it’s own.
cheers,
We’re on the same page on the dinner thing. The dog gets any scraps that are leftover.
May 15, 2008 at 11:15 pm
My parents always taught us to stop eating when we were full, but when we were young we had to eat our vegetables. They way they insured this was that if we wouldn’t eat them all we had to take a “no, thank you, bite”, or several. It worked really well!
May 16, 2008 at 2:55 am
I’m sorry but I disagree with banning “because I said so.” (Our version was “I’m the Mama.”
Children do not have the capacity to make many decisions on their own. Even the law recognizes this by having different standards for minors. This is also why children have parents. Therefore, parents are expected to make these decisions on their child’s behalf. I feel it is disrespectful to have a child question these decisions. And discussing each decision with the child can cause a child to expect that from all adults.
A child who requires a detailed explanation for every decision will be in for a big surprise in the real world. There are always authority figures (teachers, employers, police, judges, the IRS, etc) that will expect compliance without questions. Resisting this can carry some heavy consequences. Part of parenting is preparing your child for the future so I taught my child to have respect for those in authority.
I think there has to be a happy medium. For example, we make our kids wear bicycle helmets. They repeatedly ask us why they have to wear them when their friends don’t. At first we explained it to them. We even made our oldest daughter do internet research and do a report on head injuries from bicycle accidents. She still asks us “why” and now we give her the “because we said so” routine.
May 16, 2008 at 8:02 am
If discipline does not involve physical discomfort, then it must involve “mental” discomfort.
I don’t do any sort of yelling, spanking, nor physical discomfort as discipline, but I use the power of my child development knowledge to know that disappointing one’s mother is very troubling to a child of eight-years-old. In extreme circumstances, I discuss with my son how what he did “disappointed” me and talk about what he could do to make me “happy” instead of disappointed. I usually resort to the “disappointed” after a brief normal explanation of what not to do or to do doesn’t work. I rarely have to do any of this because he’s nearly 100% on the pleases, thank-yous, yes ma’ams, and yes sirs. He also picks up when I ask him to, and even proactively offers to help me with various things. I also manage to praise him, hug him, and tell him I love him all the time vs. smacking him upside the head like the parents I see at KMart.
Oh, and I don’t care if he finishes his dinner. He knows he doesn’t get any junk food in lieu of the dinner, so he just eats until he is full.
May 16, 2008 at 8:35 am
ArkieRN - I agree with you about having to respect authority and I would add that life isn’t always fair and we have to deal with it.
But my mother never took the time to explain or reason and basically alienated me. At a time when I needed her most…we were so distant from each other. I didn’t want to do that to our sons.
Again…every family has different dynamics and we all need to do what is right for ours.
I believe because I took the time to teach/discuss, etc. is what paved the way to having mutual respect and good communication all these years. I especially wanted a good foundation laid for their teenage years.
They also knew that I encouraged teachers, bus driver, etc. to call us if there was ever a problem. Riding the bus was a privilege and if they acted up then we would drive them to school. We never had one disciplinary problem in all their school years. Well except for the year older son (he was 9)brought and played all his practical jokes at school and i didn’t find out until April of that year. I think in reality it was a constructive way to deal with the birth of a new baby brother.
Nurse K…like you I always told them we loved them and hugged them all the time. I never had that either. In my family growing up children were seen and not heard. My husbands family is so opposite that and welcomed the kids anytime. His family is like the Waltons and all very close-mine is not.
My husband wasn’t very verbal with the boys but he did hug them and praised them. Interestingly…he just had to look at them cross and they’d behave and if he raised his voice…which was rare…they’d behave immediately.
About those parents that slap their kids upside the head in the store and the ED…that just kills me when I see the kids being mistreated like that.
May 16, 2008 at 8:38 am
I love the idea of a “no thank you bite” and also for doing a report on safety.
May 16, 2008 at 11:27 am
Imho, positive reinforcement beats negative dito as a behavioural modifier any day. Also, it’s what I’m told by those more knowledgeable than myself. And finding hard facts about it on the web is not something I have the patience for right now (Semifinals tonight :D).
As to your response; obviously there has to be consequences at some point, but the more seldom there are, the harder they are felt. When it coems to the “disappointment” issue - if you’re not genuinely disappointed then obviously it’s not going to have any greater effect. If you _are_, however, I have a hard time seeing how it could not have a lasting effect. It all boils down to communication again, of course. Re not being able to have a proper discussion with the younger ones, I disagree. Say for example, you ask them to please make their beds. They probably won’t say “no”, but if they do, you just ask them why not? The trick is making them motivate their actions. And yes, it’s never this simple, I’m just saying there are options other than the negative reinforcement one.
As to ArkieRN’s comments - yes, I have gotten into trouble by asking too many questions. And obviously there are situations where you can’t get the answers - but usually you can. And I have seen far more good consequences by being this way than I have seen bad ones. For example - I stood up to my teacher back in 8th grade regarding some grammar (she _was_ requiring us to use grammar rules that was outdated by half a century). That didn’t get me anywhere with her, of course, but I gained the respect of my 30 classmates. Later on, it has given me greater responsibilities at work - with more pay, higher grades, greater knowledge in general (and, as a consequence, a spot in med school), two undergrad research grants (or is it grad when you’re in med school?), an offer for doctorate studies (or whatever it’s called in english), and so on and so forth. Of course it’s not _only_ because of my inquisitive nature, but that’s definitely a major part of it.
If you raise your kids in the “I said so” manner, chances are they will grow up to be “I said so” bosses (we’re counting on success, here :D). Which will, in turn, earn them less respect from their employees. Oh, the employees will still do what they’re told, but without explanation and a chance to discuss, they’ll probably do a worse job AND the boss misses out on the opportunity to discuss potentially more effective ways of doing the job. Again, if I come off as polemic, my apologies - I’m sure your kids are absolutely fine. It’s the general principle I’m debating, here.
And SeaSpray - I agree with what you’re saying. I still spend time each week together with the whole family - be it having dinner, playing games, or discussing the finer points of religion (I’m not, the rest of the family is). And I sincerely believe that comes from us always being able to talk about anything and everything. Oh, one more thing. When me and my sis were kids, both parents worked part-time to have time to spend with us. We didn’t have any fancy vacations(and boy was I jealous of my mates at the time), but we always had some time together as a family, and we had long holidays, usually camping or visiting relatives. I really hope I have the luxury of being able to work less than 40 hours a week when I have kids.
To swing this into a little more medical issue - how do you feel about motivational interviewing? It ties in nicely to this particular discussion, methinks.
May 16, 2008 at 2:30 pm
One last thing about lying. Years ago on the Phil Donahue show he had some guests on that were talking about how we lie to our kids. It was before I had children. I don’t remember anything about the show but this. They said we lie to our kids when we tell them that Santa Clause and the Easter bunny are real and then we tell them not to lie. We get them believing in some imaginary character that they can’t see and then one day they find out we lied.
It wasn’t at all a religious show but I got thinking how we can’t see God and we teach our children to have faith that he is real. And so I decided that I wasn’t going to tell our children that Santa and Easter bunny were real because I didn’t want them to process somewhere that God then isn’t real either. My husband went along with it.
Boy did I get flack from my family and friends and husband’s family just looked at me funny. I only new one other person who opted not to perpetuate the Santa Clause myth.
They could have all the fun of Christmas-the presents, decorations, and tree, etc. and they had pictures with Santa. They just knew he was a man dressed in a costume and presents came from people in their lives.
When the first Christmas for our youngest son came around, my mother said “so SeaSpray…are you gong to ruin Christmas for this one like you did for J?”
I admit that was probably over thinking it but it also does bother me that children are told this Santa gives presents to the good little girls and boys and then there are children who don’t get anything but believe.
A relative did the cutest thing with there little girl when she was 5. He trained race horses and so one Christmas eve he put the sleigh bells on the sidewalk. The next morning he said “Look heather! Rudolph dropped his sleigh bells!”
Oh and both boys told the kids in nursery school Santa wasn’t real. OOPs!
May 17, 2008 at 5:28 am
EWWWW, my husband always said “If they won’t eat it tonight they can have it for breakfast.” I always felt like that was punishing ME. Ever look at gelid, picked-over meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans first thing in the morning?
I don’t give a rat’s fanny if the beds are made every day.
But at our house Tabasco Sauce is nectar of the gods.